Bringing home baby is one of the most intensely emotional experiences a mom can feel, second only to the first time you lay eyes on, or hear your child cry. As a new mom, if you’re anything like me, your head is likely spinning with thoughts of gratitude, LOVE, maybe even a little fear or apprehension of how you are going to take care of this perfect little miracle in your arms.
With motherhood comes a lot of work with a little bit of rest. The “schedule” of feedings, diaper changes, baths, burps, tummy time and naps is likely to wreak havoc on even the most type-A planner! Schedule, HA! Amid the pure joy that comes along with your child, new mums are bound to experience a little frustration as well. I mean, c’mon, it’s 3am, it’s bed time, not play time!
So, to add a little comic relief to those midnight feedings, check out the list of 30 tell-tale signs that yes, you are a new mom! I know I am guilty of these, what about you?
You know you’re a new mom if:
- Sleep is an illusion you vaguely remember from oh, let’s see, about a year ago (from before you got pregnant).
- And when you do sleep, your cuddle buddy is not your husband anymore, but your newborn child that refuses to sleep in the expensive cot, bassinet, swing or whatever other contraption you have purchased under the delusion that your child will prefer that over your arms.
- Your idea of a gym workout is doing countless laps around the house in a desperate attempt to put your child to sleep.
- “Dressing up” is now a pair of jeans and any top you can easily nurse in. Yoga pants is the new little black dress.
- A shower is a luxury afforded to everyone else without kids. In fact, when was the last time you were able to actually wash your hair?
- If you do get to shower, it’s 10 minutes, tops. Including fixing hair, potentially applying makeup, and changing. All the while you swear you hear the baby crying in the next room making you rush even faster.
- No matter what activity you are doing, you are certain you hear the baby crying in the next room, even though he/she is sleeping soundly.
- You are now obsessed with poop. Your baby’s poop. Color, texture, frequency, the works. You study each diaper change like it’s a fine work of art, and if anything looks “off”, run to Google and search if it’s normal or not.
- Speaking of Google, you now spend more time researching your newborns “symptoms” and are convinced that he/she has every ailment in the book.
- Oh, the books. You have read just about every baby book, article and forum about pregnancy and babies, yet you continue to look for new research you haven’t read yet.
- By the second week you learn that the books are not the bible. You have to figure out what works for YOUR baby, not the general suggestions.
- You have moved beyond Old McDonald and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and now sing made-up songs to your baby about whatever activity you are doing. Changing, bathing, dressing… “putting clothes on 1,2,3; I’m so cute now, look at me..” (or something to that effect)
- Speaking of point 12, you now have discovered you are quite good at rhyming!
- Baby songs are now stuck in your head all day, everyday. Even when out, away from the baby, you find yourself humming Itsy Bitsy Spider, or worse yet, singing “You Are My Sunshine” loud enough for people to give you strange looks.
- In addition to singing to yourself, you are in a perpetual state of swaying when you aren’t walking. Even if the baby isn’t with you. Standing in line at the grocery store, you find yourself swaying back and forth to pass the time until you can start walking again.
- Going to the grocery store alone, or any other mundane errand that you used to dread is now like winning the PowerBall jackpot. Alone time, what’s that?
- The entire time you are running the said errands alone, you are wishing the baby was with you, thinking what he/she is doing, wondering if he/she is crying, and rush through in order to get home faster.
- You have perfected the tone, pitch, cadence and volume of Shhhhhh’s that can calm your baby down enough to potentially sleep.
- You have tried everything, from vacuuming to hair dryers to get the right combination of white noise to calm your baby down.
- You have even researched white noise, and in desperation, even considered paying $9.99 (hell, at this point you might pay $199, for the iphone app called “Baby Got Colic” that plays white noise to a techno-like remix that swears to calm babies down.
- Colic is now akin to Lord Voldermort in the Harry Potter series… it is an evil word that must not be spoken!
- You can’t remember the last time you actually enjoyed a meal without inhaling it in an effort to finish as fast as you can to get back to tending to the baby.
- You and your significant other now eat in shifts. “It’s okay honey, you can eat first tonight,” is music to your ears.
- You have more pictures of your baby on your mobile device than you do of all previous pictures combined.
- You have cute outfits set out for your baby to wear each day, including pants and socks and bows, and by the third diaper change, the baby is down to just wearing a shirt and diaper.
- You have gone beyond the task of doing things with just one-hand, but have perfected using your foot to get things done or turn things on/off for the baby.
- When the baby sleeps, you DON’T sleep. In fact it’s always a toss-up between a nap, laundry or dishes. Usually the cleaning wins.
- You are now an operations management expert. You have optimized/perfected the bath-time, dress-changing and diaper-change rituals down to assembly line-like efficiency.
- You find yourself staring at your baby in awe. She/He is absolutely perfect in your eyes.
- Even after sleepless nights and frustration dealing with the tantrums, you cry when your baby smiles/laughs/coos at you because it just melts your heart.
- Bonus: You wonder daily how you got so lucky to have such a precious miracle in your life.